Michelle O’Gardens

LAJINA JONES takes a tour of Michelle Obama’s garden. Granted VIP access, the deeper LaJina takes us into the White House Garden, the more surprises we encounter. Special appearance by SNOOP DOG, JUSTINE BIEBER, BARACK OBAMA and others.

Full text by LaJina Jones

That’s right. You know. I feel it. Let’s go. Hello everybody. Welcome to the LaJina Monologues. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to see you all seeing me. This addition of the LaJina Monologues be inspired by Michelle Obama’s garden.

Welcome to Michelle O’Gardens. We gonna take a tour, and I’m gonna talk about some of my favorite fruits and vegetables. Let’s head on down to the southwest corner of Michelle O’Gardens where the sunlight shines bright on my first favorite fruit and vegetable: spinach. If it’s good enough for Popeye, it’s good enough for me.

My next favorite fruit or vegetable from Michelle O’Gardens, kiwi is my next favorite. It’s fun to say, and it’s fuzzy. Unfortunately, everybody, I have to remove America’s favorite fruit from the list. Apples is the most recently genetically modified fruit. Genetically modified foods be illegal in China, Russia, India, most of the European Union, etcetera. But they 100% legal here in Michelle O’Gardens as well as here in the US of A. So thank you so very much Barack and Monsanto. You know, they need to update that saying’ to, “An apple a day keeps the doctor paid.”

My next favorite fruit or vegetable in Michelle O’Gardens is Fruit Rollups. You know, they need to have vegetable rollups. My next favorite in Michelle Obama’s garden is ginger. Ginger is a root, and it is so delicious that white people name women after it. Incidentally, shot-out to all the gingers and their struggle. Okay.

Next on my favorite fruits and vegetables from Michelle Obama’s garden is dates. Ooph, I love myself a good date. It’s sweet, and succulent and there’s always a big seed on the inside. Yesterday, I was at West Hollywood’s most popular grocery store on the corner of Sodom and Gomorrah, you know the one, Spray-Mart. And basically, I walked up to the produce gal, and I asked her if she knew where I could find some dates. And she told me she was free on Saturday night, o’kay. My next favorite fruit is Usher.

Here in the northern sector of Michelle O’Gardens is fruit wine. Okay. That’s a good one. That’s at the top of my list: fruit wine. So come on in to the Presidential Vineyard. Where we cultivate all sorts of grapes. We got chardonnay, we got merlot, we got presidential point, we got moscato. You know I had myself some fruit wine right before the show. In fact, I’m gonna go pour myself another glass during this commercial break.

Welcome back to the LaJina Monologues everybody. And ladies and gentelmens you are so very welcome. It is your pleasure.

During the commercial break, my Twitter account be blown’ up, everybody be asking me about the difference between fruits and vegetables. A fruit is developed from the ovary in the base of the flower, and it contains the seeds for the next plant. The seed of life. And a vegetable is someone who votes in the United States Senate. And the second definition for vegetable is any sort of plant that is used for food, so it could be the roots, or the stalk, or the stem or the leaf.

Next on our tour of Michelle O’Gardens is the herb section. Featuring a substantial collection of indica, sativa, hybrid and hemp, which is what the Constitution’s made of. Oh look everybody there’s Barack passing around the Presidential Peace Pipe with Snoop Dogg, Jay Z, Jamie Foxx, Martha Stewart and beauty queen Justine Bieber. I see you all havin’ fun in the herb section of Michelle O’Gardens.

If you want to gain admittance in Michelle Obama’s Chronic Garden, you gots to get yourself a medical marijuana doctor’s prescription. So what you gots to do is stand in line, pay some 75-year-old, senile, retired doctor to take your pulse and sign your certificate. Excuse me, has anybody seen Michelle, we trying to find her. Oh and it’s President Clinton with a hoe.

Ooh, we getting deeper and deeper in Michelle O’Gardens. Look everybody. Over hear in the shade, you can see lots of shriveled up prunes. This shriveled up old fruit is Elton John, Little Richard and Arsenio Hall.

My next favorite fruit or vegetable from Michelle O’Gardens is vegetable pizza, o’kay. Oh look behind this bush. It’s Alfalfa and Buckwheat. Oh, and they being touched by Hollywood director Bryan Singer.

My next favorite vegetable or fruit from Michelle O’Gardens be a radish. You know that reminds me radishes is nature’s antibiotic. So if you feelin’ the cold coming on, you need to get yourself a radish and eat it raw.

Ooh, we gettin’ deeper in Michelle Obama’s garden. In this patch, Michelle grows pumpkins, carrots, squash, zucchini and cucumber. This is the place were Michelle comes everyday to do her deep squat exercises.

At last everybody, we have reached the end of the tour. The deepest spot in Michelle O’Gardens. A sacred spot where only Barack and a select several others have been. Where the most sacred, delicacy without which I simply could not live, the most sacred of all the vegetables and fruits in Michelle O’Gardens: tighty-whitey Fruit Of The Looms wrapped around the waste-line of Michael Jordan.

Oh Michelle, girl. What you doin’ back here? This has been LaJina Jones live from West Hollywood, “Home of the Homos” reminding you, “A good tree cannot yield bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot yield good fruit.” Now I’m off to prune my garden.