New Year’s Resolutions

LAJINA JONES inspires you with her new year’s resolutions in this pilot episode of The LaJina Monologues

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

LaJina: The lights have come down, the toasts have been spoken,
New Years resolutions will be kept or broken.
We’ve celebrated our God with gluttonous gumption,
Debaucherous coveting, and over-consumption.

The holidays is over, and I’m deeper in debt.
I’m 20 pounds heavier, and I”m full of regret.
So now, everybody, before things worsen,
I’ll follow some resolutions, and become a better person.

And welcome everybody to the MaJina Lonologues. To the LaJina Monologues. And you are so very welcome, errbody, for that journey into poetic paradise. It is such a pleasure having you all here watching me. In this addition of the LaJina Monologues, I’m gonna be oritatin’ on my new year’s resolutions.

My first New Year’s resolution is to remember to write the correct year on bank checks, rewards card applications, and my probation check-in sheet. Also, this year, I resolve not to drive away from the gas pump with the hose still connected to my car.  My next new year’s resolution, this year, I will forgive my enemies after I get even. O’kay.

My New Year’s goal for health and fitness is to consider exercisin’ at least once a day. This New Year, I resolve not to beat-back the paparazzi with my selfie stick. Also, I resolve not to use my selfie stick for anything other than selfies.

In my self-improvement category this year, I must try at least one new drink from Starbuck’s. Also, I must try a coffee enema. This new year, I resolve not to feel insecure about my good looks. O’kay. I will do every thing I can to spend less time wearing clothes. Also this year, I will tell smelly people that they stink. And I will kindly recommend a body soap.

My next new year’s resolution everybody, is to stop savin’ my fortune cookie messages, and start savin’ my W-2s. O’kay. Another financial resolution of mine this year, I will do everything I can to spend a little bit more on other people’s credit cards. Also, this year, I pledge to put more on my expense account. Another financial resolution of mine this year is to spend less and save more. And basically, my strategy is to have the men in my life pay my way. Speaking of paying my way, I got to earn myself some change with a short commercial break.

Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen. And inner-sexed. Your amusement is palpable, and you are so very welcome. We are havin’ so much fun talkin’ ‘bout my new year’s resolutions.

This year is gonna be the year of Armageddon, so, be sure to stock up on water, and canned goods, and gold, and sleeping bags, and maybe get yourself an oxygen mask, and an underground bomb shelter. Ooh, we havin’ fun talkin’ ‘bout my new years resolutions.

In my reunification and improved relationships category, This year, I resolve to return Barack’s phone calls. Also, this year, I resolve to reunite Dr. Dre with NWA. And also, I want to reunite North and South Dakota. O’kay. My final reunification resolution, I pledge to catch up on my correspondence wifh Winnie Mandela and Condoleezza Rice and Grace Jones and other Punany Poet Alumni. Your pleasure is my expertise.

My almost-last resolution is for the betterment of the community. I resolve to volunteer at least once a month. It’s important to give back to the community. So what you gots to do is ask yourself, what so of service could you proved to the community? I resolve to I resolve to volunteer at least once a month, and provide my oratorical services to the “Thunder Down Under” male dance review.

It’s almost time for me to get goin’. So my final new year’s resolution: I will refrain from eating beef burritos from a taco truck before a public speaking engagement. Mmm. O’kay.

Everybody, it has been your pleasure being inspired by my new year’s resolutions. And it’s not too late to make some new year’s resolutions of your own, and set yourself up for failure in the new year.

This has been LaJina Jones coming to you live from West Hollywood, reminding you, “Always make stepping stones, into stumbling blocks.” Oh, I’m sorry. “Always make stumbling blocks into stepping stones.”

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